Share a Joke Program

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Share a Joke Program

Post  MasonKing on Mon Aug 24, 2009 5:24 pm

We all hear a good joke or three everynow and then, either by word of mouth or e-mail or by reading...so, with that said, I thought it would be nice to have a space for those here in our site...just to help cheer up the next guy that comes along.

Just some advice tho, keep it clean, nothing too explicit whether it be race or sex or profanity, lets try to have some good ol' honest fun.

Thanks...

Now, let me start it off...

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."


Bob took the money.
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Special Classes for Men

Post  MasonKing on Mon Aug 24, 2009 5:33 pm

Classes for Men at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
Every Monday
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
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A Lawyer Joke

Post  MasonKing on Mon Aug 24, 2009 5:36 pm

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, too." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" . "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
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Ghost Car

Post  MasonKing on Mon Aug 24, 2009 5:40 pm

Unbelievable!

This happened about a month ago just outside of Cocodrie, a little town
in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred
Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a
real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and
no cars went by.

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his
face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing
ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and
stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door;
only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no
sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly
forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out
and running.

The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too
scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was
sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would
surely drown!
But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's
window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the
car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared
through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they
reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could
take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two
shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the
guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to
the other,

'Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin
it in the rain.'
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Pregnant Bird?

Post  MasonKing on Mon Aug 24, 2009 5:45 pm

Pregnant Turkey

Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
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Russian gone grocery shopping in Canada

Post  MasonKing on Mon Aug 24, 2009 5:47 pm

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!!!! What were you thinking???

I don't know about you sometimes!
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Re: Share a Joke Program

Post  FOUR KING GOOD on Tue Aug 25, 2009 7:14 am

New age Internet porn:

Hey baby wanna come over to myspace so i can twitter ur yahoo till you google all over my facebook?

Creative puns for smart minds


1. The roundest knight at King Arthurs Round Table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher b acked into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, itll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here, I'll go on a head.

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, Keep off the Grass.

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, No change yet.

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21 A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy, its your vote that counts. In feudalism, its your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Dont join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
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SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

Post  MasonKing on Tue Aug 25, 2009 10:58 am

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to
the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, ! "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through
the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing
another sign:


GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
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Leroy And the Gator

Post  MasonKing on Tue Aug 25, 2009 11:01 am

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,' No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man , I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock
options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumb**** who pushed me in the pool!'
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Re: Share a Joke Program

Post  FOUR KING GOOD on Wed Aug 26, 2009 2:00 am

Little known facts about Penguins

Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Ever wonder where they go? Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguins have a very strong community bond. They are very committed to their family and will mate for life. They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly-dug grave kick him in the ice hole and sing....









"Freeze a jolly good fellow..."
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Lawyers....sheesh..

Post  MasonKing on Sat Aug 29, 2009 1:25 am

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these
exchanges were actually taking place.
_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lay there.
____________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Duh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?....are you qualified to ask that question?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
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Re: Share a Joke Program

Post  Elf on Thu Sep 03, 2009 11:47 am

In Honor of Ferrets birthday - here's a ferret joke

YOU MIGHT BE A FERRET FANATIC IF...

* ...You go to the store and buy PineFresh litter, and forget to buy toilet paper.
* ...You have more pictures framed of your ferrets than you do of your children.
* ...You really think your ferrets are your children.
* ...You shuffle everywhere instead of walking for fear of stepping on a ferret - (this looks odd in public places).
* ...You begin to think "Eau de Hob" smells as good as Joy.
* ...You're really ticked off because there's no shopping channel for ferrets.
* ...You won't go on vacation because you're afraid to leave the "children" with a stranger - even if she is your sister.
* ...When you get mad at your husband you hiss and bite his toes.
* ...You don't have enough mantle and adjacent wall space to hang stockings for all your ferrets, and yell at your kids if they try to put up theirs (greedy pigs!)
* ...You get sick and make an appointment for yourself at the vet's.
* ...You discuss ferret poop with another ferret fanatic and actually find this subject interesting.
* ...You get mad at a co-worker and grab him with your teeth at the back of the neck and shake him.
* ...You're late to work because it took so long to kiss all your ferrets good-bye.
* ...You make duck soup for your husband when he gets sick and force feed him with a syringe if he refuses to eat it.
* ...While others lobby for ferret rights, you are outraged because they don't get to vote.
* ...You can always think of a very good reason to keep or get just one more - after all, "How much trouble can one more be?"
* ...You'll watch a 2-hour movie to catch a 2-second glance of another ferret.
* ...You get really disgusted if the toilet seat is left up, but are not disgusted by cleaning poop from the floor and emptying litter boxes every day (sigh).
* ...You're totally grossed out if you step in dog poop, but not when you step in ferret poop.
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Joke

Post  MasonKing on Sat Sep 05, 2009 2:43 am

Real but Funny Smile
...or so they say Very Happy

From The London Times:
A Well-Planned Retirement


Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot
for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its
parking fees were managed by a very pleasant
attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40),
£5 for busses (about $7).


Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing
a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo
Management called the City Council and asked it
to send them another parking agent.


The Council did some research and replied that the
parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.
The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was
a City employee.
The City Council responded that the lot attendant
had never been on the City payrole..


Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain
(or some such20 scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a
ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then
had simply begun to show up every day, commencing
to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about
$560 per day -- for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over
$7 million dollars!

.....

And no one even knows his name.
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Enjoy

Post  FOUR KING GOOD on Tue Sep 22, 2009 7:21 am

Computers

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
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Re: Share a Joke Program

Post  Elf on Tue Sep 22, 2009 9:02 am

LOWL. Very funny.

Must have been a very frustrating conversation.
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Why Men don't write advice colums

Post  FOUR KING GOOD on Tue Sep 29, 2009 3:48 am

Dear Walter,


I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

-------------------------------


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.


Walter.
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Re: Share a Joke Program

Post  Elf on Tue Sep 29, 2009 10:12 pm

That was very, very, very funny. I can't believe he focused on the car instead of the real problem.
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Re: Share a Joke Program

Post  FOUR KING GOOD on Wed Sep 30, 2009 4:36 am

Well he is a man after all, roflmao
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Tree Hugger

Post  FOUR KING GOOD on Wed Oct 07, 2009 4:48 am

Bob walks through a park late one evening to find a man with his arms wrapped around a tree and his ear pressed to the trunk. Intrigued Bob goes up and asks him what he is doing; the man replies that he is listening to the trees singing. What do you mean bob asks, he replies that the tree is singing to me, why don't you listen? Bob then throws his arms around the tree and puts his ears to the trunk, at which point the man puts a pair of hand cuffs on bob and strips him of his valuables and his clothes and runs off.

Bob is left there handcuffed to the tree wondering what to do when a man comes over to ask Bob what he is doing, rather sheepishly Bob explains what has happened, the man pats him on the behind and whispers in his ear "its not your lucky day is it sweet cheeks".
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Ole and Sven

Post  FOUR KING GOOD on Wed Oct 07, 2009 9:26 am

Ole and Sven walk into a pet shop in St. Paul, Minnesota. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near the lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says, "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole, vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his neck.

Once more Ole shakes his head and says, " First der was Sven with his budgie-jumping, den Knute parrot-shooting .. and now Lars, hen-gliding ."

Dats all. Dere ain't no more!
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Re: Share a Joke Program

Post  Elf on Wed Oct 07, 2009 7:26 pm

????? Ole and Sven - didn't quite get most of what they said but it was funny.

The one i really liked was the one w/ the man tied to the tree - Hilarious.
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Re: Share a Joke Program

Post  FOUR KING GOOD on Thu Oct 08, 2009 4:31 am

It works if you think in a stereotypical Scandinavian accent, or swap the names to irish names and think in a stereotypical Irish accent. I've seen this joke using both.
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Re: Share a Joke Program

Post  FOUR KING GOOD on Fri Oct 09, 2009 4:12 am

I was talking to a beautifull woman last night, she asked me if I liked breast or Leg.
I said that my preference was for a shaved snatch.






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Apparently I'm no longer welcome at KFC.
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Re: Share a Joke Program

Post  Elf on Fri Oct 09, 2009 11:55 am

LOL. So naughty.
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Jokes

Post  MasonKing on Mon Oct 12, 2009 11:41 am

(haha...Phil, I don't think u'll be welcomed at any El Pollo Loco restaurants either lol...)

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river,
He heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of Him, reaching for him with his
Left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light,

'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very Well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
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